Gasping for Air. Hoping for Hope

Read this heartfelt email from one of our readers about his pain, depression, and the choice he makes daily

Hello, my name is not important, the message is. Allow me to share my story.

I had an accident in 2006 leaving me with more pain than I ever could imagine. For the past seven years I have walked with one cane then with two canes and the pain increased to the point I just wanted to scream.

Still, I kept it to myself, only my close friends knew the pain I was in, others thought I was just making it up because I hid it so well. I was always with a smile and laughing, because if I didn’t, I’d cry. Most people would say “you don’t act or look like you are in pain”. But again, I hid it pretty well.

I have now had one cervical neck surgery and two lumbar surgeries. When the doctors or nurses ask me to rate my pain from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, I would just laugh and say 20; I meant it. Now comes the real stuff.

Five years ago the pain medication I was on made me depressed, so much that I had to give my neighbor my guns! I was really not doing well. I sought help and got off the medication. Pain management was prescribed twice and it did nothing; the nerve pain was still there.

The pain I am in now is getting worse and the medication scares me. Three weeks post op and home alone, I awoke at 2 am gasping for air, I could not breathe properly. The medications I was on had lowered my respiration to 72 by the time the ambulance got to me.

Needless to say I was taken back to the hospital and then taken off those medications. Now, I just have the pain, The thought of taking my life comes to mind many times, but I tell myself, I beat this before and I’ll do it again, I choose life! Physical pain can make you depressed very fast, get help, talk with someone as soon as you can!